Friday, June 23, 2006

I have rarely used this forum as a means to write about my personal life--mostly because I lead a rather boring life. I wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up... it's a nasty cycle. There's often deviation from that cycle on the weekends when I go to dinner with friends or to a movie, but for the most part, my life is routine, and no one wants to read about routine. Today is a day I need to get something off of my chest. So you all are the ones I will subject to my "rant."

I am a 23 year old single female. All of my closest girl friends, save one, is either married or engaged. The one who isn't is one year older than me. The others, for the most part, are 2-3 years younger. It's frustrating. For as long as I can remember, the biggest desire of my heart (excepting pleasing God) has been to be a wife and a mother. I've most definitely screwed up a lot in the process. I've had exactly three boyfriends in my life--all during college--and, unfortunately, not one among them was a Christian.

I've grown spiritually so much since then. And God still hasn't seen fit to bring a husband into my life. And of course, that's God's prerogative. I may question God, but I won't suggest that His plan isn't the best one for me.

This past week has been full of me torturing myself, and also suffering from the torturing of others! There is a very special man in my life--I'll call him J. I've known J for years--he happens to be one of the boyfriends I mentioned previously. Our friendship is an odd one. We have all the closeness of a great friendship, but not the intimacy (and I'm not talking sexually). We talk every day and he knows more about me than any other person on the planet. I knew that our relationship was quirky--full of flirting and teasing. What I didn't know was just how deep my feelings for him go. But I found out when he started dating his girlfriend last month. Jealousy can bring a whole lot of things to light.

So what do I do? I tell him about it. Probably not the most brilliant thing I could have done. We have this whole conversation about it in which he reminds me that just last week he told me he could see being married to me. He wasn't supposed to say that! He and I both know that there's no possibility of a future together as long as things stay the way they are. I answer to God; he doesn't. We both know where the other one stands. So, I've been torturing myself this week. I have all of these feelings for the guy, and I continue to talk to him all the time.

Then today I'm bombarded by articles written about this very topic! First, there's Jeremy Pierce's "Does God have a right person picked out for each person to marry?"

The point is this: it can be true to say that God has a person in mind that each person who marries will marry, though that doesn't mean sinful choices won't be involved, and it doesn't mean you made the right choice just because it happened. God can still be behind it in some sense in the same way that he could be behind Judas' betrayal of Jesus, though it's not likely the consequences of this kind of thing will be anywhere near as significant (and even that is a massive understatement). But just because it's true to say this doesn't mean it's best to be thinking it all the time. Our responsibility is to live with what God has given us, and for most of you God hasn't given you this yet if he will. Be faithful with what you have, and God will bless you, perhaps in ways you won't at all expect and maybe in this area but maybe not.

Then there's an article in Christianity Today called "30 and Single? It's your own fault" by Cameron Courtney. Now I have to be fair. The article in question does not believe that singleness is a sin or that it's your own fault if you are. The article is actually a book review. The book in question is Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness by Debbie Maken. According to the article, Maken makes a good point:

In later chapters, she addresses the well-meaning advice handed to singles in Christian circles—such as "just wait on the Lord to bring a mate to you" or "Jesus is all you need"—and deftly explains some of the erroneous thinking and theology surrounding each. At her best, in passages such as these, Maken gives platitude-battered single women needed permission to admit, "I'd like to get married, and that's okay."

However, Maken then takes the stand that nearly every person on the planet is destined to be married. God wants it that way. Cameron takes a stand and makes this incredible statement at the end of the article:

For many of us, singleness is a default reality. Besides praying for revival of the single men of our generation and doing our best to meet the good, godly men who are out there, we're left trying to make the most of this life stage, trying to find contentment in any and every situation, as Paul encourages (Philippians 4:11-12). In this process of trying to allow God's redemptive work in this sometimes-unwanted life stage, voices such as Maken's in Getting Serious About Getting Married sabotage our quest for godly purpose and hope. Most of us still-singles aren't trying to glorify singleness but to redeem it from second-class citizenship, to remind ourselves and our family-centric churches that God loves, values, and wants to work through all his kids—whether married or single. If we're going to get serious about some of these difficult singleness realities, and I think we should, why can't we also get realistic, accurate, and gracious?

And that bring me back to where I started. I don't want to be single. But God has chosen this path for me right now. But it's frustrating when everywhere I turn is another reminder that I am still single. It's frustrating when a man comes into my life who I could see a real future with, only I can't have one because he doesn't share my faith. Is this a test? Is God testing me with J to see how I will react? Have I failed again for letting my feelings get the better of me?

Tags: Christianity, Marriage, Singleness, Love

Posted by Amanda at 6/23/2006 01:44:00 PM

6 Comments

 Jeremy posted at 6/23/2006 09:15:00 PM  
I followed your link from Randy's site, and I saw the title of your post, so I thought I'd drop my unasked for 2-cents.

I'm of the ilk who calls himself "Terminally Single" for many of the same reasons you highlight above. (And I'm over 30, and single!)

I don't know if this helps or not, but for me, my decision to be single isn't absolute, but rather I'm waiting for God to open a door I am unable to. (Cause He can!)

God knows what you are ready for. Its not a matter of "missing a sign" or "lacking faith" (though that can handicap some people) It's more of an issue that God knows what you are capable of handling at this point in you life.

You just have to trust that He knows what is right.

If I'm speaking out of turn, don't mind me, I'm just some kid in the desert.

 Amanda posted at 6/23/2006 09:43:00 PM  
Thanks Jeremy. I appreciate the words of encouragement!

 Cindy posted at 6/23/2006 11:17:00 PM  
You know what, God does have a plan for you and your life. Just because you are single right now, does not mean that you will always be. You are young and have a lot of years left to live. If it is meant for you to be married, God will provide the right person at the right time. Depend on Him!!!

God Bless You and Yours,
With Love In Christ,
Cindy

 TheWriteJerry posted at 6/24/2006 03:25:00 AM  
That was a wonderful post - thanks for sharing your heart. Made having insomnia and BE Blog Battle surfing at 5:00AM woth it.

Now, please don't think me preachy when I say the next few things but...

You're only 23! Relax. God has a timing for everything and in His perfect timing is the only full and true joy that you can have. Trust me on thhis. I'm divorced (before I was saved to Christ) and now recently remarried. Lng story short: Mrs.Write and I actually dated for a short while about 6 years ago, broke up because I wasn't ready for a deep relationship, and then in God's perfect timing ran into each other and started dating agaiin. And she is the right woman for me - prasise God! - and we were both ready to be married. Oh, and I'm 40.

Also, I beseech you - only date Christian men. Dating somebody who you cannot be equally yoked with is a road to madness, sin and a big step off of the path God wants you to walk. Love is a feeling, yes, but it is also a choice. If you cloud your choices with men God would not have you be with, you may miss the opportunity He has for you. Missionary dating is a crap-shoot and should only be entered into if God has clearly spoken to you about it. But in almost all cases, I've seen missionary dating end in ruin.

So be pliant to God's will and follow His word, and you will have the joy that He wants you to have - and that joy will be better than anything we could have designed for ourselves.

And again - you're only 23! Don't rush ahead of God!

 vivace2 posted at 7/03/2006 09:23:00 AM  
I’m writing to you from the perspective of 27 years of marriage…to the same man! It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from college, at age 21, and heading off to my first job. I went overseas on a two-year mission assignment, and then returned for graduate study at a seminary. My intent was to spend my career overseas as a missionary.

There was a dichotomy: I knew I was doing some really good things with my life, making good decisions, staying committed to what I felt was God’s claim on my life. I loved being single, making my own decisions, choosing when to come and go, without answering to anyone else. Yet, I watched friends getting engaged and moving into marriage…and I was “on the outside.” I had to confront the nagging thought that maybe there was something wrong with me, since I still had not found the “right” man. I chose to keep following the path that seemed to make sense regarding education and career, trusting that, if marriage was to be part of my future, I would know when the time was right.

There came a day, at age 25, when I finally realized that I was actually ready to seriously consider marriage. It was tied in with the realization that my close-knit family was expanding and changing as brothers were getting married. I knew, at that point, that I didn’t want to live my entire life single; I needed family. It was only a few weeks after this realization that I realized I was in love with a close friend…who became my husband a year later.

Now, we are watching our two young-adult sons (ages 24 and 22) cope with the same issues you are dealing with. How does one find that “perfect” mate? Do you actively seek him/her, or do you just “trust God” to bring that person into your life? Is there really “one” perfect mate for you? How do you know for certain when you find that person? Is there anything wrong with a person who takes a while to find and settle into a marriage relationship?

I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t want to be in that place in life again. Transitioning from teenage to adult is one of the most difficult times of life. It is filled with more questions than answers. It’s just plain scary at times.

You need to know that there is no “perfect” man out there. Marriage is the hardest thing any of us ever tries to do. It is both difficult and wonderful. It changes one’s life permanently. Would I do it all again? Emphatically, yes!! My life is a good bit different from what I thought it would be when I got married, yet it is good, and I am happy. I’m glad, however, that I waited until I was 26 to marry. I’m grateful for those years of stable single-ness. That is where I learned to be strong and self-reliant. Those were the years when I discovered much of whom I am and what I can do. Those single years were significant in terms of cementing my relationship to a God, learning that God is involved in the details of daily life. I have needed those “single” lessons often as a married woman.

So, what is my point in a nutshell? Savor these early years of single adulthood. Explore the world around you. Enjoy the freedom and solitude you have now. Trust God to bring the person you need at just the right moment. Don’t try to predict when that moment is! Let it be a surprise. Life flies by so quickly…don’t rush it. Savor where you are at the moment. Embrace the lessons of single-ness. You will need them when “Mr. Right” arrives on your doorstep!

 Anonymous posted at 7/05/2006 04:55:00 PM  
I would recommend you read Debbie Maken's book. It will really help you. My useless 2 cents (as derived from the book) only give your time to men that you discern are serious about marriage and responsibility.

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